09 July, 2004 - 12:24

So, it's true, I've got peripheral neuropathy. It's causing me a lot of pain and sensory deprivation.

It's like having pins stuck into your feet and hands everytime you walk, pick something up or do the most banal of movements. It comes and goes at will and is untreatable. When I asked the doctor what can be done, he said nothing. I want to have the nerves in my hand ripped out so I can't feel anything.

I feel like my life is spiralling downward. Why can't my body fight these things off like other bodies? Is my immune system that compromised that it's not possible to deal with this shit?

Why couldn't I have contracted a less virulent strain that would have let me live 10 or 15 years longer than I might now?

My face has episodes of numbness and paralysis, my fingers and hands don't work as they normally did - when I press them down hard onto a surface they shake uncontrollably. I can't even use a knife comfortably let alone typing on this computer.

I swear I feel closer to death and degeneration than I have ever felt in my life. I will start thinking about that Cat Stevens' song with more clarity: 'if I ever lose...'