2001-03-12 - 22:31:33

Last night as I was in bed making out with him I was thinking about him which later progressed into a dream detailing making out with him.

All three him's are different.

Where is this coming from?

The third him was set at my parents' friends old house in Hamilton although these friends of my parents were supposed to be his parents. I was showing him my gaz metropolitain bill which read "pay this damn bill now". I thought this choice of vocabulary was strange coming from the local gas company. When I asked him what he thought, he said "...oh they probably just mistranslated the French."

(This happens a lot in Montreal, Frenchicisms being translated directly and even particularly bad word choices from uninformed francophones, my favourite on the side of an import grocery store on St. Laurent street: "Typical Products Welcome")

The him that I'm speaking of is someone whom I've never really been attracted to although I think he might be attracted to me. I suspect his placement in my dream is purely aesthetic and representational. Of more significance is that he equates the future.

He equates the future.

He equates the past.

He equates the present.

What I'm faced with here is exasperating and at the same time gives me such deep insight into my relationship patterns. A merging of my lovers of past, present and future questions the foundations of my approach to forming relationships with them.

I've never been in love with any of them, but I've alco never left the option open to any of them.

For the first time, I'm starting to feel sheer authenticity for someone and it frightens me as an emotion that seems distant, muffled and barely accesible.

What is monogamy? This sharing of spirits in order to devote oneself to the pursuit of only one another's being.

In the past it has felt like an iron cage. An iron cage that fits well with my personal politics and awareness of oppressiveness of social constructivism. But it's that same education and so-called awareness that has cut my access off to a portion of humanity. And now in order to regain access to that humanity I need to retrain myself and ask the patience from him-in-the-present-tense to bare with my messy head.

When him-in-the-present-tense told me that he would be confused and upset if I had a night of wild, passionate sex with him-in-the-past-tense, my alarm bells sounded and neon words flashed "get out! oppression! tradition! heterosexist constraints! IRON CAGE!" in my head.

I'm getting scared. Scared of the sequences and chronology of events that now seem so natural to repudiate; scared of the myriad signs of affection given to me; scared of pushing someone away again without realising my own bullshit.