22 October, 2006 - 23:54

I just came back from Shortbus:

Sook Yin Lee is fantastic. But I�m so not. In and of itself, I don�t think it was a great film. Aesthetically, very pleasing. Sexy, yes. But I am a little angry because, as ridiculous as it is, the film left me feeling a bit impermeable. I take it directly from the mouth of the former mayor of New York whose character was just that. He was having fun, he understood his city but despite all that � people are just so hard to be with. So if that�s the director�s statement he was quite successful in dredging up all sorts of piled up thoughts on intimacy, sex �culture� (if you�re generous enough to let me use the term slightly out of context), love and a score of other hot button essentials. Admittedly, the same things that normally given a mere five minutes of shallow thought on the tail end of my bus ride home.

(I might walk a little more)

But I feel like, once again, I'm cracked open emotionally and I have to recognise this as something that comes and goes with me. I turn into an emotional robot, my roots come out, and up, up, up, up, up comes that wall. Big, made of iron.

I look up and see not hopelessness: it doesn't come from depression. But it increasingly looks like desperation. The stage direction, however, kicks in and I find myself with my shovel to the ground to find something. That thick, intangible steely veneer that only a few people can see.

I'm not in the game to simply witness time pass, I'm in for the experience. But I have to learn to own the experience and finding a slice of peace might just let that happen.

And stop running.

And be with me and allow everyone the same opportunity.