03 September, 2006 - 15:03

so it's a melancholy sunday. my thoughts are pushed toward the gooey stuff inside me partly because i realized last night, through pursuing my first act of romantic charity work, that i can really like a man.

and i think that's part of my therapy: learning about my own misandrony and asking myself how it happened. how did i become afraid of men? and how do i both revile and crave the same thing? how do i fuck someone who is repulsive?

and then i realized that it's because my skin doesn't quite fit. not quite. it's almost there. yet, last night - admittedly it was lust - but i heard a joni mitchel song afterward, like the sex was so inspiring that my head needed to sing. or that my confidence was able to soar. and that i am more than quite a bit capable of pleasing a very intelligent and very submissive man.