14 February, 2005 - 09:34

I'm listening to music at my desk. It's cheesy dance music from early 2001 but it brings some fantastic memories of living in Montreal in my own place and the comfort of not having to work, getting good sex, being vegan and loving life.

Oh I'm being dramatic, I love this life. I love any life, but loneliness seems to creep in a lot easier - or perhaps it's just more concentrated. I remember being alone a lot more before but not very often lonely. And now that I'm feeling better and better about my body, about my mental awareness, political awareness, sexual awareness and on and on...

still all I want to do is crawl back in that comfortable little hole in Montreal where all I had to worry about was a few university courses and which club we were going out dancing to on Saturday night.

But that's strange because I have no worries here either - but I seem to equate Montreal, in that time, with such sunlight and discovery.

I think it could be as simple as listening to cheesy dance music. Because Ani brings forth amazing memories of Tbay, Katrina, being 19/20 years old, living on my own and Europe. My life divided into little, living pockets and the music to go with it.

This morning Hussein handed me a mysterious envelope that someone dropped by at around 4am. It had only my first and last name on it with a handpainted card and a poem inside. I don't remember the verse now, but it was a happy valentine message and said something about making sure my wick is wet for the day! How lovely to receive a hand-delivered valentine!

R and N did some totalitarian cleaning last night, it was making me crazy. Without consultation they started cleaning out the bathroom and kitchen and throwing things away. But throwing away half-used mosquitoe repellent in a country where malaria is endemic. Or throwing away my vitamins. And the second-to-last straw came when I was looking for my toothbrush and it ended up being thrown out, forcing me to look through the bin for it.

The last straw was N almost throwing out a package of echinacea herbal tea and me losing it saying, "What are you DOING, it's tea!" And her saying, "no it's echinacea." Me: "No, it's tea"
N: "No, it's echinacea" Me: "I BOUGHT it, it's tea, SEE read the label!" N: "Oh, yeah"

FUCK! So I went to my room and read because I cannot be around people who decide to rearrange the house in a manner that is borderline-fascist. Oh, and my toothbrush in the trash! Oh, ah! Annoyance. And even more annoyance. This morning as I was talking to N she was saying she could make potato soup for dinner which I agreed was a great idea. I added that we could throw some leeks into it to which she said, "maybe I'll put some carrots in too". And I said, "I think I can find leeks at Foodworth's" to which she said, "Hm, or we can just put in carrots".

WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST BE STRAIGHT WITH ME! IT DOESN'T TAKE THAT MUCH EFFORT. JUST SPEAK TO ME IN LITERAL TERMS, DAMNIT!

Furthermore, this morning R was driving me to work and I told him he could just leave me near the footpath and I would walk the rest of the way. He said, no, no he would drive me to work to which I said, "Ok, thanks, even though you're late for your meeting?" and he said, "yes, that's fine". Just before the footpath he said, "Oh, do you want me to drive you to work?"

So he couldn't tell me that he changed his mind and instead projected on me. Stop projecting. I hate it. It's gross and I often don't understand why it's happening at first.

Argh.

Argh.

;)