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14 July, 2004 - 20:38
it's 30-something degrees With warm-cool breeze blowing through amber's bedroom and i'm sitting listening george michael's amazing new song wish i was a lady safe open to suggestion loose loose women safety in being female mail male I'm high and going through my black book of important things since my new life as a sidean. I was concerned before going to my first counselling session that I wouldn't know what to do talk about. I should trust myself to realise that would always apply - today the appointment consisted of me rattling off some stupid facts about holistic health and antiretroviral drugs and asking too-personal questions to the counsellor. I don't need to know about her and I think I have to try to understand the point of counselling. It's not at all to sit and have a conversation. It's about me. Only me. And although I can try to trust her emotions, I need to plow through with uber-strength to just accept that I don't need to know everything. This is an unequal relationship because she's the first person who has commodified emotional conversation for me. If I had ever picked up a hustler and sex with him, I might have known how to handle talking with her. Being seeing as I'm quite the virgin to the world of paid sex, I was speechless. And so I rambled on stupid facts about holistic health and antiretroviral drugs and asking too-personal questions to the counsellor. Here are some black-book words.... Fear. of the manifestations of disease in that they are unlike any other illnesses. of lying in a hospital bed. of change that i'm not in charge of. Guilt. for bringing this onto myself. for bringing this into the lives of all the folks i love and love me. Anger. because i want to live to be 90. because of all the clich�s. because i'm smarter than everyone else. Sadness. that i feel only sadness about my life when previously i remember feeling only pure anticipation about life. that, again, that many decisions are now out of my hands. Ambivalence. toward the mainstream gay community. toward dating and loving. And there they are. My notes before going to my Very First� counselling session.
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