2001-06-06 - 4:41 p.m.

moving again. i've now taken up residence in a new quarter of montreal called mile-end. it's beautifully hacidic-jewish, greek, rich, poor, artsy and best of all, authentic.

although i don't believe in saying shoulds this is where i should have been my first year in montreal. not living with jeff in ndg.

do you ever wonder if a very large portion of your life is a big show, a big act, and yet the grandiose surprise is on you because you haven't realised it yet? sometimes i get that with friends - friends who, when i think of them, the question "do we really have any connection at all?" springs forth in my head.

the poesis of friends, the techne of life. or maybe t'other way 'round.

a week left in montreal and living in mile-end is peaceful in fact. peaceful and necessary. biking around, going to kilo naturel, sitting down at the open-the-night cafe, down to saint viateur bagels ("la maison du bagel"!), and most important for right now, being with kris.

it has in many ways forced me to exclude some other friends from my roster of close mates and this is troubling.

distressed that i may never see them again? not really.

distressed that i might not find this same sense of community again? a little.

perhaps i don't yet know how much i need kris. sometimes i think i'm looking retrospectively at how important he is to me even though the future hasn't happened yet. i imagine it's not obscure - my brain has a way of preparation about it but that usually involves pushing away and disconnecting.

mostly what i need to work on is finishing my thoughts, actions and words.